Remembering
One year ago today, my sweet dad left me here on this earth alone. This year has been, without question, the most difficult, depressing one of my life. It is indescribable, to someone who hasn't lost a parent, the pain that ensues. Does it ever lessen? There are so many times when I kind of forget, and I think of something I want to share with my dad, and then it hits me all over again. As if it were that day, April 28th, 2010. My emotions have run the gamut this year, from sadness, to anger, to real depression, which is an emotion that I have never struggled with before. I have been struck by the injustice of the fact that my kids will not grow up with their grandfather. That is so unfair to them. They deserve him. I have felt a constant pain in my heart for my mom, who lost her best friend, her companion of 40 years. How can I ever comfort that? How does she go on? She has been an amazing strength to me through this past year, but what about her? It is heart wrenching. As this date approached, I could feel my heart constricting. I felt a palpable sickness in my gut this morning when I woke. I want this day to go away. I might just remove it from my calendar. An image has popped into my head this week, over and over, so I thought I'd put it out there. Solidify it. It is this picture of my dad kissing me before my wedding. I truly adore this man. I am so blessed that I even had him for a day, and I am trying to count it as a gift that I had him for 34 years. I am comforted, a bit, to know that he is with God, but selfishly want him with me. With us. Taking my kids on tractor rides. Riding his mule. Sitting in his chair. Anything, really. Just him. The good and the bad. I sometimes look forward ten, twenty, thirty years, and hate the thought of my future without him. I pray that I can be strengthened in that, by knowing that I will be with him someday.
So, I write this post, not to be a downer, but just to get my feelings out there. And, to share this song, which has always had such great meaning to me, and even more so now. I know this somehow gets easier, many days it is, but for today, I am thinking of my dad non-stop, and hope that he is somehow close enough to feel how much I love and miss him.
6 comments:
I love that photo! You must be so glad that you have things like this to help remember those moments.
I'll be thinking of you today, Jen.
Oh, cute Jen. I am so sorry for your loss and for the void in your life because of it. I can't begin to understand what you are feeling. I just love you and will be praying for you to have a little more peace until you see him again.
XO
Jen, thinking of you today and share your same feelings!
well thanks for making me cry again Jen! It was a long day, and I think about it & still don't think I've fully dealt with it all personally. What you said about mom is what I always think about. I know there is nothing I can do to comfort her and when I start to think of him, I haven't let myself deal with how it's really affected me that much, but what mom's going through is always on my mind. Not sure how healthy that is, but I can't help it. Love the picture though!
Jen, Loss does get easier! But April 28th will always and forever be a hard day for you and that is ok! It means that you love your dad and always will! I think that time eases all wounds but does not heal them! Missing your dad is a good thing! He is close enough to feel your love and he misses you too! It will be 8 years on May 23rd that my husband passed away and I dread May every year! May 23rd is always hard for me but I know that being sad and missing him means that I have not forgotten and that I still love him so much! Thank heavens that we have the knowledge that we will be with the ones we love again! I am sorry for your loss and sadness! I am so glad that you have such great memories of your dad! I am so grateful and feel so blessed to have met you! I hope that time does ease your pain! Cami
Sweet tender picture Jen.
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