Remembering

One year ago today, my sweet dad left me here on this earth alone. This year has been, without question, the most difficult, depressing one of my life. It is indescribable, to someone who hasn't lost a parent, the pain that ensues. Does it ever lessen? There are so many times when I kind of forget, and I think of something I want to share with my dad, and then it hits me all over again. As if it were that day, April 28th, 2010. My emotions have run the gamut this year, from sadness, to anger, to real depression, which is an emotion that I have never struggled with before. I have been struck by the injustice of the fact that my kids will not grow up with their grandfather. That is so unfair to them. They deserve him. I have felt a constant pain in my heart for my mom, who lost her best friend, her companion of 40 years. How can I ever comfort that? How does she go on? She has been an amazing strength to me through this past year, but what about her? It is heart wrenching. As this date approached, I could feel my heart constricting. I felt a palpable sickness in my gut this morning when I woke. I want this day to go away. I might just remove it from my calendar. An image has popped into my head this week, over and over, so I thought I'd put it out there. Solidify it. It is this picture of my dad kissing me before my wedding. I truly adore this man. I am so blessed that I even had him for a day, and I am trying to count it as a gift that I had him for 34 years. I am comforted, a bit, to know that he is with God, but selfishly want him with me. With us. Taking my kids on tractor rides. Riding his mule. Sitting in his chair. Anything, really. Just him. The good and the bad. I sometimes look forward ten, twenty, thirty years, and hate the thought of my future without him. I pray that I can be strengthened in that, by knowing that I will be with him someday.

So, I write this post, not to be a downer, but just to get my feelings out there. And, to share this song, which has always had such great meaning to me, and even more so now. I know this somehow gets easier, many days it is, but for today, I am thinking of my dad non-stop, and hope that he is somehow close enough to feel how much I love and miss him.

New memories....

I flew home to Utah to surprise my mom for her 60th birthday in October of 2009. Just Ian and I went. It was a real treat planning the trip with my dad, and surprising the heck out of my mom. This is the last picture that I have of my dad and Ian. When we went home last Spring, he was too sick to hold him, and when I flew out by myself to be with him when he got sick and put into the hospital, he told me that he couldn't wait for our May visit so that he could be home and better to hold him again. He loved Ian. He called him "Moose" because of his size at birth. He is my dad's last grandchild. And, my dad really loved ALL of his grandkids so much.

The point of all of this, is that when I look at this picture it represents the last memory I have of my dad and Ian. It breaks my heart. I have this deep fear that my children, most especially Ian, won't remember my dad, their Papa. And, that is so unfair. Because he deserves to be remembered by all of them who he cherished so much.

But, this week, a wonderful thing happened. I have a photo album on a table in my living room with photos of Papa. Papa with the kids. Papa with his horses. Papa with my mom. Papa decorating Christmas cookies. A good friend who also lost her dad gave the album to me when he passed away and it's been a great blessing. We look at it all of the time. The other day, Ian went and grabbed the book and brought it to me. He patted me on the leg and when I looked down at him he pointed to a picture in the book and said, "Papa." Crystal clear. And I just sat down right on the kitchen floor and he sat in my lap and we looked at every, single picture of Papa while he pointed and said "Papa" to each one. I could not hear him say that word enough. It felt like we were making new memories, through the photos, and it gave me a glimmer of hope that my children would remember and love and honor their grandpa until they get to see him again and spend eternity with him. He is living on in our memories and we will never let those die.